Accept No Substitutes!

Yea, so I went to the dentist last week. I was dreading having my teeth prepped for 2 - count 'em TWO - crowns, and the prep included removing an old crown. So I had to mentally prepare for this appointment. Getting a real appointment was no small feat as the dentist was sick, and two new appointments had been made since the original Wednesday afternoon time. When I arrived for my 9 a.m. Friday appointment, I was told the dentist showed but was about to go home because she couldn't stop coughing. The receptionist was profusely apologetic and apparently felt the need to produce a dentist. If I could hang on for a few minutes, she would try to get a stunt double dentist on the line to see if he could come in later in the day. She finished a call then asked if I could come back at noon. She assured me I would love the new dentist, though when she saw him last night at a funeral he was very depressed because his best friend had just died. I arrived at 11:55 a.m. and sat in the chair for 45 minutes before office staff started assuring me - with some excitement - that the dentist was in the parking lot. He materialized just a minute later beside my chair wearing his dental mask. (Apparently, he drives with it on.) So, in 2 hours, I never did see the face of this "dentist" who apologized for his tardiness, confessing he was confused and grieving. But I have never seen a dentist or any other medical professional who looked like this! He was in his sixties, I would guess, with long black hair that stuck straight up and eyebrows that were twice the width of Andy Rooney's. He looked like a combination of Danny Thomas's Uncle Tanoose (Make Room for Daddy TV show, 1957-1964: photo enclosed for the fetus readers) and Don King! He assured me he was gentle and fast (2 qualities I would want only from a dentist) and gave me 10 minutes worth of shots on both sides of the 2 neighboring teeth - explaining that he liked to aspirate as he goes (who doesn't?!) for maximum benefit. He checked another patient then came back a few minutes later to check if I was numb. I was drooling and could not close syllables or feel anything above my waist. He suggested I wear goggles then proceeded to jackhammer off my old crown while the assistant sprayed water around the room. He would punctuate each 5 minute session of high speed drilling (which made me think earplugs might be as helpful as the novocain) with another request for his screwdriver. "No, we don't use those any more because they rust", the assistant kept repeating as he tried various, less favorite tools while mumbling "I could really pop this off now with that screwdriver...well, I'll drill a little more." He explained to me that it had been years since he'd been in the office (now I feel reassured - apparently, they used different tools "back in the day.") A couple hours later, when the novocain wore off at home, Victor had some vicodin to share - prescribed a few months ago by a REAL dentist....